[The tether goes tense and that itself should be answer enough.
But she does actually voice it.]
I did.
[She could give a thousand different reasons, a thousand different excuses as to why. At the end of the day she was angry, she was grieving, she was hurt. She wanted it all to end.]
[ There is a flood of emotions through the tether: confusion, uncertainty, no small amount of disgust, and fear. It takes her a moment to take control of them—to swallow them down.
[Those emotions are met with the feeling of something small, something filled with grief, and sorrow. Something that had an under current of anger bubbling up that she was desperately trying to hold back.
The memory of a young scared voice manages to slip through the tether.
"This doesn't feel right, I don't feel right. Please take me back, Ash."]
It... Wasn't the goal.
I lost Nightfall to get into Final Space.
I lost my brother- My crew betrayed, and murdered him.
Little Cato- That lying Ventrexian killed his parents, and he had been pretending to be his father the entire time.
I was just trying to protect him... And he turned away from me too.
I was surrounded by liars and killers.
Invictus was the only one I could trust.
It had warned me about all of this.
Told me it could fix it.
...I couldn't anything through the tears. It was such a blur.
[ Ash's presence feels smaller now—tight, trembling at the seams with grief, sorrow, and that bitter trace of anger simmering just beneath. The memory of that voice makes Sharon's heart twist, though the ache is quickly swallowed by understanding as Ash continues.
Moment after moment. Loss after loss. Betrayal after betrayal. Ash had lost everything, and something vile had taken its chance, slipped in when she was at her weakest.
It takes Sharon a long, quiet stretch before she can find her voice. ] ...I'm sorry, Ash. [ Sorry for judging. Sorry for the anger. Sorry that any of it happened at all. ]
[Those words should probably come as a relief to Ash, but the anger and resentment just starts to boil up. It's all directed at herself, how she burned every possible bridge there was after every betrayal. She had been hurt, but she had also gone scorched earth with more intensity each time.
She tries to keep her tone level and controlled.]
No, you aren't wrong to be feel that way.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
I've done terrible things that I can't undo.
I understand if you don't want anything to do with me. I'll find a way to snap the tether, so you don't have to feel anymore of it.
[There's a brief flash of their dance, of the warmth she felt, the sheer awe at the aspects that made Sharon who she was, and a vague sense of finding a kindred spirit, along with a new understanding that might have been asking for too much.
Then she shifts and starts to push those feelings down.]
Ash—[ The idea of the tether between them being snipped makes her heart go cold. ] Ash, that's not what I want, I want... [ Her words falter, frustration knotting in her chest. She can't quite name why this revelation cuts the way it does. Ash could commit a thousand cruel acts and she wouldn't flinch, but to fall under the sway of something like Invictus? That's different. That's worse. ]
I don't care about the terrible things you've done, but I do care that you could be so easily manipulated. [ Her voice softens. ] If Sleep told you exactly what you wanted to hear...
[She feels the cold, she feels the frustration build up over the tether. It makes her feel less cornered when Sharon says it's not what she wants.
But there's another little slip in the situation, as she thinks to how she got originally, of the conversation she had with Sleep when she first arrived.]
...How did you get here originally? Did Sleep offer you something? What did you say?
[There's a pause and she considers what to say next. Then continues.]
I followed up on that. A couple months ago.
What she was offering and what I wanted were two different things. And she said she couldn't give that to me.
[ Sharon doesn't answer the questions, but there's a sense of affirmation through the tether between them. Everyone here got their offers, and everyone accepted, whether they would have under different circumstances or not. That truth alone makes her hate Sleep all the more.
But what Ash says next makes her pause. She hadn't been sure how many others had actually tried reaching out to Sleep, searching for answers. ]
[Ash had a feeling that she wasn’t the only one pulled in like that, but it was nice to get the confirmation.
She was determined in her search, so she wasn’t accepting something without finding out whether they could follow through. She had done that once before.]
I told her I wanted Nightfall, My brother, and sister back.
She told me to let go, to open myself for something new, so that we could be all be whole together.
[ Relief dances across the threads connecting them. That doesn't mean she thinks Ash is wholly safe from future manipulation, but at least right now she knows Sleep isn't interested in giving her what she really wants—won't even offer it to manipulate her. ]
She fed me similar bullshit—about becoming whole. [ It clearly wasn't bullshit, then. What is wholeness to Sleep? What does that mean? For everyone. ] A part of me is relieved she doesn't lie to manipulate us here, but I don't understand why not.
[That relief causes a light fluttering sense over the murmur. Despite all her talk severing the tether- it was clear that isn’t what wanted. She couldn’t fix what she had done, and how she had been manipulated in the past. But she was more wary of how it had happened.]
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who followed up with her.
[Ash considers that briefly, considers what happened between her and Invictus. Then shifts]
I think… Lying would go against her plan. If she wants connection, needs people to connect. Betraying that connection would only work against what she wanted in the long run.
[There’s a pause and then she thinks more on her own past.]
Invictus… It had been using me for long before I knew what it was.
It gave me my powers- gave me a way to escape what happened to Harp.
I wanted to know why. [ It seemed like a simple enough reason to reach out to Sleep—if only the answer had been simple too.
She falls quiet, turning it over in her head. Maybe Ash's right. Maybe Sleep doesn't bother lying anymore because it isn't logical, because whatever her plan is, it needs their trust, and she can't get that by feeding them more falsehoods.
Invictus being the one to give Ash her powers catches Sharon off guard. It's been using her all along. ] Shit. [ Even her escape had been another manipulation. In Ash's place, Sharon isn't sure she'd ever trust anyone, or anything, ever again. The fact that Ash can, that she's trying to, is almost staggering. ]
I probably would've fallen for it, too. When you're cornered, alone... Why wouldn't you just say fuck it? [ She remembers what it was like to be placed in that position. ]
[That's why she had originally left her team. To find out why Invictus had was so interested in her, why it had bestowed her with power. She understood wanting answers.
It's why she had followed up with Sleep, too. She knew what she wanted didn't come cheap.]
Yeah. I felt like I really didn't have anywhere I could turn. I didn't feel like the crew was safe anymore. I didn't have any family.
Invictus had kind of became the only thing I thought was being straight with me. But it had also been pulling all the strings to get me where I was going.
I just-
By the end I just wanted to burn everything around me, like I felt it had been doing to me.
[ That drive, that line of reasoning, is painfully, achingly familiar, so much so that Sharon almost flinches from it. But she doesn't. That's part of what draws her to Ash: the way they have even the ugly, jagged parts of themselves in common. ]
I've been there. [ Softly. ] Everyone has a breaking point, and the universe... well, it pushed you to yours. [ Her tone holds no judgment; she couldn't give any now even if she wanted to. ] You deserved better from it, and I can't blame you.
[ Even if what she did was wrong, Sharon accepts that part of her. ]
[Ash still feels pretty terrible about it, and justifiably so. It had been easy to get caught up in the anger, the loss, and the manipulation. She's had a few months to sit back and examine what she's done, and how she felt.
She knew a lot of that wouldn't change the outcome of what had happened. Invictus was still free. She wasn't sure if she had got her reward for it. Instead she had wound up here.
It's reassuring to hear Sharon say that. To know that she hadn't lost a friend quite yet.]
Yeah. ...Maybe.
I'm still kind of figuring out what comes after the whole breaking point thing.
You're welcome, Ash, and listen... You've already figured out what comes next: you try to do better. It doesn't change the past, but you keep going, and you keep trying. [ Ash is on the right path, and, really, that's what matters the most right now. ]
[Ash considers that for a moment, and weighs the ideas.]
I mean- I don't know how much of me is actually on the other side of it.
...I think being forcibly removed from a lot of the elements going on has helped. Getting upset now is a very different experience without wild cosmic powers.
Or a voice in your head all time.
[Not that Sleep couldn't be there if she wanted to.]
But thanks- I am trying really hard to look like I have it together.
I bet it's easier to think without a voice in your head all the time. [ And that has to make the rest of this easier. It might be a little lonely, but Ash has her tethers to fall back on now. ]
You... You do know you don't have to look like you have it together? At least not around me.
It is. ...It's a little concerning that I'm still thinking about it in my sleep though. But you know- Guess you never know how deep you're in it until you're out.
[Ash pauses briefly hearing that. There is some instant relief that comes over the tether. But she's still just a little guarded.]
Yeah. I do now.
Not that I had a ton of doubts. I just-
I know what I've done. And it's been easier to act like that wasn't a thing until now.
It made me feel like I fit in a little more, you know?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But she does actually voice it.]
I did.
[She could give a thousand different reasons, a thousand different excuses as to why. At the end of the day she was angry, she was grieving, she was hurt. She wanted it all to end.]
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Ash should know what's coming next. ]
Why?
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The memory of a young scared voice manages to slip through the tether.
"This doesn't feel right, I don't feel right. Please take me back, Ash."]
It... Wasn't the goal.
I lost Nightfall to get into Final Space.
I lost my brother- My crew betrayed, and murdered him.
Little Cato- That lying Ventrexian killed his parents, and he had been pretending to be his father the entire time.
I was just trying to protect him... And he turned away from me too.
I was surrounded by liars and killers.
Invictus was the only one I could trust.
It had warned me about all of this.
Told me it could fix it.
...I couldn't anything through the tears. It was such a blur.
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Moment after moment. Loss after loss. Betrayal after betrayal. Ash had lost everything, and something vile had taken its chance, slipped in when she was at her weakest.
It takes Sharon a long, quiet stretch before she can find her voice. ] ...I'm sorry, Ash. [ Sorry for judging. Sorry for the anger. Sorry that any of it happened at all. ]
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She tries to keep her tone level and controlled.]
No, you aren't wrong to be feel that way.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
I've done terrible things that I can't undo.
I understand if you don't want anything to do with me. I'll find a way to snap the tether, so you don't have to feel anymore of it.
[There's a brief flash of their dance, of the warmth she felt, the sheer awe at the aspects that made Sharon who she was, and a vague sense of finding a kindred spirit, along with a new understanding that might have been asking for too much.
Then she shifts and starts to push those feelings down.]
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I don't care about the terrible things you've done, but I do care that you could be so easily manipulated. [ Her voice softens. ] If Sleep told you exactly what you wanted to hear...
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But there's another little slip in the situation, as she thinks to how she got originally, of the conversation she had with Sleep when she first arrived.]
...How did you get here originally? Did Sleep offer you something? What did you say?
[There's a pause and she considers what to say next. Then continues.]
I followed up on that. A couple months ago.
What she was offering and what I wanted were two different things. And she said she couldn't give that to me.
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But what Ash says next makes her pause. She hadn't been sure how many others had actually tried reaching out to Sleep, searching for answers. ]
What did she say to you?
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She was determined in her search, so she wasn’t accepting something without finding out whether they could follow through. She had done that once before.]
I told her I wanted Nightfall, My brother, and sister back.
She told me to let go, to open myself for something new, so that we could be all be whole together.
That she would give us new purpose.
It’s not exactly what I was looking for.
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She fed me similar bullshit—about becoming whole. [ It clearly wasn't bullshit, then. What is wholeness to Sleep? What does that mean? For everyone. ] A part of me is relieved she doesn't lie to manipulate us here, but I don't understand why not.
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I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who followed up with her.
[Ash considers that briefly, considers what happened between her and Invictus. Then shifts]
I think… Lying would go against her plan. If she wants connection, needs people to connect. Betraying that connection would only work against what she wanted in the long run.
[There’s a pause and then she thinks more on her own past.]
Invictus… It had been using me for long before I knew what it was.
It gave me my powers- gave me a way to escape what happened to Harp.
It needed me to set it free.
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She falls quiet, turning it over in her head. Maybe Ash's right. Maybe Sleep doesn't bother lying anymore because it isn't logical, because whatever her plan is, it needs their trust, and she can't get that by feeding them more falsehoods.
Invictus being the one to give Ash her powers catches Sharon off guard. It's been using her all along. ] Shit. [ Even her escape had been another manipulation. In Ash's place, Sharon isn't sure she'd ever trust anyone, or anything, ever again. The fact that Ash can, that she's trying to, is almost staggering. ]
I probably would've fallen for it, too. When you're cornered, alone... Why wouldn't you just say fuck it? [ She remembers what it was like to be placed in that position. ]
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[That's why she had originally left her team. To find out why Invictus had was so interested in her, why it had bestowed her with power. She understood wanting answers.
It's why she had followed up with Sleep, too. She knew what she wanted didn't come cheap.]
Yeah. I felt like I really didn't have anywhere I could turn. I didn't feel like the crew was safe anymore. I didn't have any family.
Invictus had kind of became the only thing I thought was being straight with me. But it had also been pulling all the strings to get me where I was going.
I just-
By the end I just wanted to burn everything around me, like I felt it had been doing to me.
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I've been there. [ Softly. ] Everyone has a breaking point, and the universe... well, it pushed you to yours. [ Her tone holds no judgment; she couldn't give any now even if she wanted to. ] You deserved better from it, and I can't blame you.
[ Even if what she did was wrong, Sharon accepts that part of her. ]
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She knew a lot of that wouldn't change the outcome of what had happened. Invictus was still free. She wasn't sure if she had got her reward for it. Instead she had wound up here.
It's reassuring to hear Sharon say that. To know that she hadn't lost a friend quite yet.]
Yeah. ...Maybe.
I'm still kind of figuring out what comes after the whole breaking point thing.
But I'm trying to do better. I really am.
Thank you- For at least hearing me out on this.
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I guess before I wound up here I thought I had passed the point of no return.
I didn't really consider that there was more road ahead of me.
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I mean- I don't know how much of me is actually on the other side of it.
...I think being forcibly removed from a lot of the elements going on has helped. Getting upset now is a very different experience without wild cosmic powers.
Or a voice in your head all time.
[Not that Sleep couldn't be there if she wanted to.]
But thanks- I am trying really hard to look like I have it together.
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You... You do know you don't have to look like you have it together? At least not around me.
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[Ash pauses briefly hearing that. There is some instant relief that comes over the tether. But she's still just a little guarded.]
Yeah. I do now.
Not that I had a ton of doubts. I just-
I know what I've done. And it's been easier to act like that wasn't a thing until now.
It made me feel like I fit in a little more, you know?
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Another flash of understanding. ] It's almost easier to pretend. Like... fake it til you make it.