[ Relief dances across the threads connecting them. That doesn't mean she thinks Ash is wholly safe from future manipulation, but at least right now she knows Sleep isn't interested in giving her what she really wants—won't even offer it to manipulate her. ]
She fed me similar bullshit—about becoming whole. [ It clearly wasn't bullshit, then. What is wholeness to Sleep? What does that mean? For everyone. ] A part of me is relieved she doesn't lie to manipulate us here, but I don't understand why not.
[That relief causes a light fluttering sense over the murmur. Despite all her talk severing the tether- it was clear that isn’t what wanted. She couldn’t fix what she had done, and how she had been manipulated in the past. But she was more wary of how it had happened.]
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who followed up with her.
[Ash considers that briefly, considers what happened between her and Invictus. Then shifts]
I think… Lying would go against her plan. If she wants connection, needs people to connect. Betraying that connection would only work against what she wanted in the long run.
[There’s a pause and then she thinks more on her own past.]
Invictus… It had been using me for long before I knew what it was.
It gave me my powers- gave me a way to escape what happened to Harp.
I wanted to know why. [ It seemed like a simple enough reason to reach out to Sleep—if only the answer had been simple too.
She falls quiet, turning it over in her head. Maybe Ash's right. Maybe Sleep doesn't bother lying anymore because it isn't logical, because whatever her plan is, it needs their trust, and she can't get that by feeding them more falsehoods.
Invictus being the one to give Ash her powers catches Sharon off guard. It's been using her all along. ] Shit. [ Even her escape had been another manipulation. In Ash's place, Sharon isn't sure she'd ever trust anyone, or anything, ever again. The fact that Ash can, that she's trying to, is almost staggering. ]
I probably would've fallen for it, too. When you're cornered, alone... Why wouldn't you just say fuck it? [ She remembers what it was like to be placed in that position. ]
[That's why she had originally left her team. To find out why Invictus had was so interested in her, why it had bestowed her with power. She understood wanting answers.
It's why she had followed up with Sleep, too. She knew what she wanted didn't come cheap.]
Yeah. I felt like I really didn't have anywhere I could turn. I didn't feel like the crew was safe anymore. I didn't have any family.
Invictus had kind of became the only thing I thought was being straight with me. But it had also been pulling all the strings to get me where I was going.
I just-
By the end I just wanted to burn everything around me, like I felt it had been doing to me.
[ That drive, that line of reasoning, is painfully, achingly familiar, so much so that Sharon almost flinches from it. But she doesn't. That's part of what draws her to Ash: the way they have even the ugly, jagged parts of themselves in common. ]
I've been there. [ Softly. ] Everyone has a breaking point, and the universe... well, it pushed you to yours. [ Her tone holds no judgment; she couldn't give any now even if she wanted to. ] You deserved better from it, and I can't blame you.
[ Even if what she did was wrong, Sharon accepts that part of her. ]
[Ash still feels pretty terrible about it, and justifiably so. It had been easy to get caught up in the anger, the loss, and the manipulation. She's had a few months to sit back and examine what she's done, and how she felt.
She knew a lot of that wouldn't change the outcome of what had happened. Invictus was still free. She wasn't sure if she had got her reward for it. Instead she had wound up here.
It's reassuring to hear Sharon say that. To know that she hadn't lost a friend quite yet.]
Yeah. ...Maybe.
I'm still kind of figuring out what comes after the whole breaking point thing.
You're welcome, Ash, and listen... You've already figured out what comes next: you try to do better. It doesn't change the past, but you keep going, and you keep trying. [ Ash is on the right path, and, really, that's what matters the most right now. ]
[Ash considers that for a moment, and weighs the ideas.]
I mean- I don't know how much of me is actually on the other side of it.
...I think being forcibly removed from a lot of the elements going on has helped. Getting upset now is a very different experience without wild cosmic powers.
Or a voice in your head all time.
[Not that Sleep couldn't be there if she wanted to.]
But thanks- I am trying really hard to look like I have it together.
I bet it's easier to think without a voice in your head all the time. [ And that has to make the rest of this easier. It might be a little lonely, but Ash has her tethers to fall back on now. ]
You... You do know you don't have to look like you have it together? At least not around me.
It is. ...It's a little concerning that I'm still thinking about it in my sleep though. But you know- Guess you never know how deep you're in it until you're out.
[Ash pauses briefly hearing that. There is some instant relief that comes over the tether. But she's still just a little guarded.]
Yeah. I do now.
Not that I had a ton of doubts. I just-
I know what I've done. And it's been easier to act like that wasn't a thing until now.
It made me feel like I fit in a little more, you know?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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She fed me similar bullshit—about becoming whole. [ It clearly wasn't bullshit, then. What is wholeness to Sleep? What does that mean? For everyone. ] A part of me is relieved she doesn't lie to manipulate us here, but I don't understand why not.
no subject
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who followed up with her.
[Ash considers that briefly, considers what happened between her and Invictus. Then shifts]
I think… Lying would go against her plan. If she wants connection, needs people to connect. Betraying that connection would only work against what she wanted in the long run.
[There’s a pause and then she thinks more on her own past.]
Invictus… It had been using me for long before I knew what it was.
It gave me my powers- gave me a way to escape what happened to Harp.
It needed me to set it free.
no subject
She falls quiet, turning it over in her head. Maybe Ash's right. Maybe Sleep doesn't bother lying anymore because it isn't logical, because whatever her plan is, it needs their trust, and she can't get that by feeding them more falsehoods.
Invictus being the one to give Ash her powers catches Sharon off guard. It's been using her all along. ] Shit. [ Even her escape had been another manipulation. In Ash's place, Sharon isn't sure she'd ever trust anyone, or anything, ever again. The fact that Ash can, that she's trying to, is almost staggering. ]
I probably would've fallen for it, too. When you're cornered, alone... Why wouldn't you just say fuck it? [ She remembers what it was like to be placed in that position. ]
no subject
[That's why she had originally left her team. To find out why Invictus had was so interested in her, why it had bestowed her with power. She understood wanting answers.
It's why she had followed up with Sleep, too. She knew what she wanted didn't come cheap.]
Yeah. I felt like I really didn't have anywhere I could turn. I didn't feel like the crew was safe anymore. I didn't have any family.
Invictus had kind of became the only thing I thought was being straight with me. But it had also been pulling all the strings to get me where I was going.
I just-
By the end I just wanted to burn everything around me, like I felt it had been doing to me.
no subject
I've been there. [ Softly. ] Everyone has a breaking point, and the universe... well, it pushed you to yours. [ Her tone holds no judgment; she couldn't give any now even if she wanted to. ] You deserved better from it, and I can't blame you.
[ Even if what she did was wrong, Sharon accepts that part of her. ]
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She knew a lot of that wouldn't change the outcome of what had happened. Invictus was still free. She wasn't sure if she had got her reward for it. Instead she had wound up here.
It's reassuring to hear Sharon say that. To know that she hadn't lost a friend quite yet.]
Yeah. ...Maybe.
I'm still kind of figuring out what comes after the whole breaking point thing.
But I'm trying to do better. I really am.
Thank you- For at least hearing me out on this.
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I guess before I wound up here I thought I had passed the point of no return.
I didn't really consider that there was more road ahead of me.
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I mean- I don't know how much of me is actually on the other side of it.
...I think being forcibly removed from a lot of the elements going on has helped. Getting upset now is a very different experience without wild cosmic powers.
Or a voice in your head all time.
[Not that Sleep couldn't be there if she wanted to.]
But thanks- I am trying really hard to look like I have it together.
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You... You do know you don't have to look like you have it together? At least not around me.
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[Ash pauses briefly hearing that. There is some instant relief that comes over the tether. But she's still just a little guarded.]
Yeah. I do now.
Not that I had a ton of doubts. I just-
I know what I've done. And it's been easier to act like that wasn't a thing until now.
It made me feel like I fit in a little more, you know?
no subject
Another flash of understanding. ] It's almost easier to pretend. Like... fake it til you make it.